I should.........
How many should thoughts can one person think in a day?
I should be smarter. I should spend more time with my kids. I should work out more. I should be able to make homemade bread with wheat from my year supply of food. I should be a more attentive parent. I should spend more time with my kids instead of reading. I should make dinner from scratch out of the organic vegetables I grew in my enormous garden. I should have a cleaner house. I should have used my time better today. I should have fed my kids something more healthy for breakfast. etc. etc. etc.
An endless barrage of negative self deprecating thoughts can be extremely dangerous to someone with my disorder. But, I'll bet it takes its toll on just about everyone.
My therapist Dr. Marie always responds to "should" statements with "WHY?" or "WHO SAYS?".
Dr. Marie's pragmatic and empathetic views on life have given me so much relief and clarity. On any given day I can go on and on about how I feel like a horrible person because when my husband was deployed I fed my kids pizza for dinner and had them watch a movie instead of chatting with them about their day while they were enjoying the delicious soup I spent all day cooking, then playing board games and making cookies together. (I realize that to some of you this might sound trivial and a somewhat small issue but remember my brain is a little messed up). Dr. Marie always sort of matter-of-factly asks me something like ..... "are your kids safe? Are they happy? Are their needs met? why do you HAVE to do all of those other things. Can't you just make it a pizza party just for fun and give yourself a break?"
Honestly, when she says things like this (especially after I have spent 20 minutes raving about how I am feeling so sick because of all that I have to do and how I feel so full of self loathing that I haven't planned better etc), she actually makes me laugh out loud. And then I cry. I laugh out loud because I realize how right she is and how silly I sound, and I cry because my brain just couldn't see it. It has taking me a long time to start thinking Dr. Marie's way on my own, and because of my illness I will always need to use this tool in my life.
Unfortunately with depression, the way in which I think is distorted. So, if I start to think of my life in terms of "shoulds", I am putting myself in a bad position that I can't afford to be in. And sometimes I have to occasionally meditate and quiet my mind in order to sort out the truth from the lies my brain is telling me. No, I don't have to make homemade bread to be a valuable person. No, I don't have to be skinnier to be awesome. No, I don't have to make dinner from scratch all the time (pizza will do just fine thank you). And if I need to read a book instead of playing super heroes with my kids to maintain a healthy mindset today, then that's okay. They are happy, safe, and just fine.
Most importantly was the realization that years from now my kids won't remember what kind of dinner they ate on a random Wednesday in October, but they most assuredly will remember their mom spending a week in bed, or finding her on the floor of her walk in closet in the dark because she was too depressed and overwhelmed with life to come out and interact with them. Pizza and a movie then becomes an easy choice filled with ease and confidence.
My life will never be void of shoulds....but SHOULD I get up early in the morning to run when it is going to be hot? I have learned how to say no and believe it. Because the truth is, I still ran. It was boiling hot and I'm pretty sure I came home with a mild case of heat exhaustion, BUT...I am much happier that when my boys woke up this morning they could come running into my room to wake me up, and I got to snuggle with them for a long time instead.
No comments:
Post a Comment